Supposedly a Real B& Q Application Form

Dont know if this is real or not, but is still very funny.

This is allegedly an actual job application that a 75 year old pensioner submitted to B&Q in Tunbridge Wells. They hired him becausehe was so funny…..

NAME: Kenneth W (Grumpy Bastard)

SEX: Not lately, but I am looking for the right woman (or at least one who will cooperate)

DESIRED POSITION: Company’s Chief Executive or Managing Director. Butseriously, whatever’s available. If I was in a position to be picky, Iwouldn’t be applying in the first place - would I?

DESIRED SALARY: £150,000 a year plus share options and a Tony Blair style redundancy package. If that’s not possible, make an offer and we can haggle.

EDUCATION: Yes.

LAST POSITION HELD: Target for middle management hostility.

PREVIOUS SALARY: A lot less than I’m worth.

MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT: My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes.

REASON FOR LEAVING: It was a crap job.

HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK: Any.

PREFERRED HOURS: 1:30-3:30 p.m. Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.

DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?: Yes, but they’re better suited to a more intimate environment.

MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?: If I had one, would I be here?

DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP TO 50 lbs.?: Of what?

DO YOU HAVE A CAR?: I think the more appropriate question here would be “Do you have a car that runs?”

HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?: I may already be a winner of the Reader’s Digest Timeshare Free Holiday Offer, so they tell me.

DO YOU SMOKE?: On the job - no! On my breaks - yes!

WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?: Living in the Bahamas with a fabulously wealthy Swedish supermodel with big tits and who thinks I’m the greatest thing since sliced bread.

Actually, I’d like to be doing that now.

NEAREST RELATIVE….7 miles

DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE?: Oh yes, absolutely.

Whether or not your next application is like this is up to you, but dont blame me if you don't get the job!!

Blue Harvest, Star Wars and The Family

Just think that this is one of the greatest spoofs ever. Leia recording the help message is one of the many spot on hoots in this 46 minute episode , which you can only get as a stand alone DVD:

The cover is brilliant containg the disc featuring Peter as Han Solo, Bryan the dog as Chewbacca and Stewie as Darth , a must have artefact for every household.

Though if you want to go even more extreme there's always American Dad

Three series so far and still not ben pulled!!

Guards, Guards ...Public Service Please

I'm not trying to avoid paying , I really want to and I dont want to shut down all the local Post Offices.

But can someone tell why theye have up to six ticket inspectors on Darlington Station every morning (this has been the situation for six months , and recently they also have them on Newcastle Station.

By this time you would think they could have some kind of simple permanent barrier (like Durham) to stop potential fare dodgers.

Another thing is Post Offices . There's a huge furure over potential closures , but it took me thirty minutes to post a CD to Italy , thanks to one clerk behind the four positions. That's a guaranteed way to lose custom!!!

Halloween....

It's that time of year again , and parties and events are happening all over . There was a queue for costumes outside the Magic shop on Percy street , so your as well going online somewhere like this:

Local radio will be playing all the cheesey scarey records , and there'll no doubt be lots of film nights featuring slasher classics such as Halloween and Scream.




The Goths will be abroad in Eldon Square.....

Is There Life On Mars?

Been revisiting Life on Mars and Ashes To Ashes via the thoroughly modern medium of DVD , and find both series entertaining to say the least . Youtube is full of clips such as this one of Sam Tyler and Gene Hunt as Camberwick Green figures:



The BBC has a page with various cartoons and soundclips to download here for Life on Mars and here for Ashes To Ashes.

Currently looking forward to the Abominable Showmen gig at the Centre for Life in Newcastle tomorrow and the Alabama 3 gig at the Carling Academy in December.

Oh and the youtube thing reminds me of the a couple of brilliant Mitchell and Webb sketches which are hanging around. The Doenitz thing is apparently almost exactly what happened in reality:

Are We The Baddies?:

Fuhrer Doenitz:

Gourmet Scran Half Price!!

Well not quite , but I've just signed up with the Gourmet Society which gives you loads of two for one deals , and you can save your initial outlay within two sittings. Think it's based around the North East, Midlands and The Smoke at the moment but is spreading and well worth the investment if you eat out.

As well as the posh places such as Secco and The Living Room, you also have the more basic locales such as Curry Capital and the Ho Buffet , so all tastes , and price ranges are catered for.

Money Saving Expert usually publish discount codes here , so you can get even more of a bargain!

Shakespeare in Stratford or "There Is Nothing Like A Dane" or "You Can't Make A Hamlet Without Cracking Some Heads"

Just back from another week in Upton Snodsbury, wherein we managed to take in two of the Bard's plays , "A Midsummer Night's Dream" and "Hamlet", at the Courtyard Theatre, temporary home of the RSC during the redevelopment of the main theatre, the frontage of which is displayed below.

Both plays were excellent , though I enjoyed the former more , as it's not so depressing. The cast was virtually the same for both productions, with the additions of Patrick Stewart and David Tennant for "Hamlet" (which ensured a full house and more besides). A number of nubile young ladies I'm sure were only there because of the presence of the latter actor.

"Hamlet" is the one with the body count , while "Midsummer Night's Dream" is a little more light hearted but not without it's darker side.

Would recommend the RSC productions to anyone with a penchant for that sort of thing.