Be My Valentine ... In Grey

Well Valentine's Day is here and the weather is very grey. It's doesn't matter where in the world you are the grey featureless skies with te promise of maybe some drizzle do not provide for the best inspiration.

"Valentine’s Day is named for a Christian martyr and dates back to the 5^th century, but has origins in the Roman holiday Lupercalia.Valentine’s Day is named for a Christian martyr and dates back to the 5^th century, but has origins in the Roman holiday Lupercalia."

There's a Wikipedia entry with more information here.

Today has also been chosen for the release of the film of "50 Shades of Grey"  in the UK in which a controlling  male abuses a young vulnerable female. The male actor is James Dornan (who played a controlling male who abused, raped and murdered young females in the BBC production "The Fall", do you think he may be getting typecast?)  and the girl he chooses is Dakota Johnson , daughter of Melanie Griffiths and grand daughter of Tip Hedren who suffered major avian abuse in Alfred Hitchcock's "The Birds". I won't be going to the cinema to see the film , and apparently B&Q are preparing for an increase in demand for ropes , duct tape (what will rock bands do? oh they use gaffer tape so it's OK) , and cable ties which in the wrong hands could be very dangerous. This week Breakfast TV has been having features on  that make BDSM very cosy and fluffy. It isn't and , ironically somebody could get hurt (and I know that's ironic considering the nature of BDSM) and there a hell of a lot of free books on the subject on Amazon Kindle. They even have 50 Shades Restraint Kits and Party Games! 

50 Sheds

The marketing machine has even caused me to buy something that I can wholeheartedly recommend to all you and that is the excellent and very funny "50 Sheds of Grey" , the follow uphas also been recommended to me by my friend Julie , so I will avail myself of that at some point. So all this hype has at least brought a smile to my face and with pages like the one below you can see that it is a genuinely funny and slim volume that doesn't exactly take itself too seriously unlike it's source inspiration.

So thats my thoughts on the whole phenomenon, but the positives are that it is weekend , and remember you always have a choice.

Pain and Lego

Also according to The Guardian the B&Q run on duct tape was a PR Ruse which has been fairly successful. The article is here .

So enjoy yourself today , and don't get to tied up in things that dont matter, make sure you smile and laugh and have fun.

There's only one piece of music we han have and that's the Motorhead / Girlshool "St Valentines Day Massacre" EP leading off with "Please Don't Touch" and I'll bet there will be a lot of people using that line later on tonight. Have a brilliant day y'all.

There Goes Christmas

Another Christmas has gone , and back to work tomorrow. Glad I don't work in retail or journalism or else I wouldnt have stopped.

Desipite all of us expecting to have time off at Christmas spare a thought for those who can't have a day off , especially the emergency services , utility workers , television providers and the like. On Christmas Morning we expected the power to be on and water to be running and if , god forbid , there is an accident we expect there to be someone at the end of the 999 call.

On Christmas Eve I rushed into to town and thought the shops were open . They weren't. It was staff staying late getting ready for the Boxing Day sales. How mouldy is that?

The Retail world is become more pernicious toward society leeching away our quiet time in the form of 24 hour supermarkets and Sunday Opening. People used to go to Church , now it's the local B and Q or Garden Center.  While I like to be able to get what I want when I want , I dont want to ruin someone elses life just to wait on my convenience.

Anyway hope everyone's Christmas has been brilliant and the New Year will be even better. Christmas has provided me with a few blog posts this year so I can't be too curmudgeonly about it.

Thoughts On Writing

The reason I started writing this blog was because I hoped I would get an idea for writing a book or screenplay. My basic problem is that I am not motivated and too lazy to take the next step , well that's my opinion.

A blog is a diary and some contain some brilliant writing. It's a great way or remembering things you don't want to forget. There have been many incidents where I go back into the blog to have a chuckle about certain events , the B & Q application form being one that springs to mind.

I am currently reading "The Thurber Carnival" , a collection of  James Thurber short stories and realise that in order to write you have to be disciplined enough to research , or just know lots of things like , say , Stephen Fry.

As well as this you have to have a spark of originality or a muse to create a work that others want to immerse themselves in.

The internet and Amazon's self publishing package mean now that anyone can publish a book if they believe they have the capacity to produce a worthwhile work. The problem being it starts becoming literary karaoke where people believe that they are the next Dan Brown and have the key to untold riches.

I was shocked to hear that the average earnings for a writer was around four thousand pounds per annum. When you think how much the big earners make some writers must be on pennies.

I have incredible respect for my friend Paul Campbell who packed in his job and became a script writer. Similar to another friend Bob Armstrong who did a similar thing to become an artist.

This is another post I'm writing using the iPad's Note application. I reckon that the iPad with the addition of a keyboard is a very useful piece of kit, although when you have no internet connection you can feel a little lost.

Do I Have It In For Martin Brennan?

The Latest Brennan Box

Martin Brennan is behand a device to replace your CD collection . The advertisments contain pie charts of music types , eulogise the rainbow menus and goes ony about reclaiming your living room space. The advertising seems targetted at music lovers rather than the sort of people who spend Sunday in B&Q who are surely the real target audience.

The device id a CD player with a hard drive , space wide its the same as a hardback book.  I'm just wondering what happens if the CD or hard drive break down? Also , for me , a better option would be a portable hard drive and linked MP3 player. But you dont need anything otrg that Brennan;'s unit. It will record your CDs and let you play them back and store them in the garage or attic and give you loads of room for other stuff!!

Not sure how it copes with new releases , the database wont have "Take The Crown" by Robbie Williams on !! I'm sure this has been built in.

Anyway I don't have it in for him . The advertisements are still coming in , he has celebrity endorsement , and I hope hope he continues to sell his product.

I thinking the unit needs web connectivity , a decent visual interface or GUI and at the point his advertisements will stop annoyig me !!

His web site is here and if it's what you want , then it will be perfect for you!!

Supposedly a Real B& Q Application Form

Dont know if this is real or not, but is still very funny.

This is allegedly an actual job application that a 75 year old pensioner submitted to B&Q in Tunbridge Wells. They hired him becausehe was so funny…..

NAME: Kenneth W (Grumpy Bastard)

SEX: Not lately, but I am looking for the right woman (or at least one who will cooperate)

DESIRED POSITION: Company’s Chief Executive or Managing Director. Butseriously, whatever’s available. If I was in a position to be picky, Iwouldn’t be applying in the first place - would I?

DESIRED SALARY: £150,000 a year plus share options and a Tony Blair style redundancy package. If that’s not possible, make an offer and we can haggle.

EDUCATION: Yes.

LAST POSITION HELD: Target for middle management hostility.

PREVIOUS SALARY: A lot less than I’m worth.

MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT: My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes.

REASON FOR LEAVING: It was a crap job.

HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK: Any.

PREFERRED HOURS: 1:30-3:30 p.m. Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.

DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?: Yes, but they’re better suited to a more intimate environment.

MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?: If I had one, would I be here?

DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP TO 50 lbs.?: Of what?

DO YOU HAVE A CAR?: I think the more appropriate question here would be “Do you have a car that runs?”

HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?: I may already be a winner of the Reader’s Digest Timeshare Free Holiday Offer, so they tell me.

DO YOU SMOKE?: On the job - no! On my breaks - yes!

WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?: Living in the Bahamas with a fabulously wealthy Swedish supermodel with big tits and who thinks I’m the greatest thing since sliced bread.

Actually, I’d like to be doing that now.

NEAREST RELATIVE….7 miles

DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE?: Oh yes, absolutely.

Whether or not your next application is like this is up to you, but dont blame me if you don't get the job!!